Guilt

I absolutely hate being the one making all of the decisions. I think it's making me less decisive. Every year, we go camping with mom and Tim, and the Brinkers. We LOVE camping. We bought a pop-up in 2005 and planned on getting many years of use out of it.

2 years ago we stepped out of our comfort zone (Pokagon) and went to Clifty Falls. About 36 hours after we got there, I came down with a terrible case of the stomach flu. I spent 3 days down, and then we left and came home. Last year we planned a trip to Turkey Run. 2 weeks before our trip, Robert's unit was put on alert. He was going to have to go to training the week of our trip. Ugh. What do I do? Robert's training was in town, so he'd be home in the evenings (if he were going to be out of town, it would have been a no-brainer). I decided to go anyways. The Sunday before we were scheduled to leave, my grandma had a pulmonary embolism and was flown from Ohio to Parkview. We spent the week at her bedside in the ICU and her funeral was the day we were to leave for Turkey Run. The Millers and Brinkers left for camping right after the funeral, but I decided not to go. The alert and week with grandma had drained me.

This year, we planned our camping trip to Potato Creek, leaving after church on Father's Day. When we popped up our camper to check it out, it had been taken over by some alien fungus that had eaten through the canvas. Tim took it in to check it out and the cost of the repair would be the same amount that we paid for the camper. So we would have to rent a camper for about 300 bucks for the week. And spend about 160 bucks on a site, and then gas, and food. And I would have to pack everything for the 4 of us, set up, tear down, clean out and return the camper. Probably taking up a good 12 days of my life. Unfortunately I can't spare the money or the 12 days right now. So I made the decision not to go. I am both relieved and sad that we will be missing out on another family tradition. But without Robert here to go with us, it just isn't the same. I'm holding out hope that we'll get to go to the Dunes this October.

One thing that I hate more than making decisions is constantly second-guessing myself. I have to remind myself that these aren't life-altering decisions. I'm not taking anyone off of life-support! It's so easy to get sucked into the guilt vortex. I'm going to hang on by my toenails if I have to and not let it suck me in!